Late-Diagnosed ADHD in Women: My Story of Being Diagnosed at 36

I’m gonna be real here: I didn’t know I had ADHD until I was 36. When a dear friend suggested I look into an ADHD diagnosis, I thought he was off his rocker. I was so confused by this suggestion. I mean, I wasn’t the fidgety kid who couldn’t sit still in classrooms. I’m not the impulsive, loud person who makes a ruckus and disrupts. So I did what I do best: I dove into research on how ADHD shows up in girls and women. And friends, it shows up very differently than how it shows up in boys and men.

​As a therapist, I use the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to help research diagnoses for clients. Much of the early ADHD research that informed how we recognize the condition in the DSM was conducted primarily in boys and men, which contributed to many girls and women being overlooked or misdiagnosed. I’m still shocked and pissed off by how often women’s bodies and brains have been underrepresented in research. 

With this new information in my brain, I sought a potential diagnosis of ADHD, and turns out…I hit the criteria for both the hyperactive side and the inattentive side of ADHD. That diagnosis landed like a ton of bricks and, at the same time, like a down-filled pillow to sink into.​ Finally, so many things made sense.

Keep in mind that this is my story, and the beautiful thing about neurodivergence is that it’s on a spectrum, which means these things can show up for folks in many different ways. One quick caveat before I spill my quirks: please don't use this blog or TikTok as a diagnostic tool. Social media is great for helping people recognize themselves in others' stories, but it's not where diagnoses happen. ADHD is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that deserves a thoughtful, individualized assessment from someone trained to evaluate it.  With that in mind, here are some of the ways I started making more sense of my brain:

Hyperactive side:

• Cuticle picking: I don’t wiggle like the kids we often think of when we think of ADHD, but my hands need to stay busy. I didn’t realize this was a form of hyperactivity until my diagnosis.

• I’m an active movie watcher. I’m constantly up and down. My brother calls me a “Chronic Pauser.”

• My mind moves FAST, especially if I’m engrossed in the subject at hand. Keep up, slowpokes!

• I’m an interrupter, because my brain is moving fast. And by golly, if I don’t say it, I’ll lose the thought.

• Hyperactivity explains my ability to hyperfocus. I love to learn and research, and I will deep-dive into anything that piques my interest, staying there for hours unless I set a timer for myself. 

• This same hyperactivity was also misdiagnosed as Generalized Anxiety Disorder in my teen years. Quick brains can feel overwhelming and anxiety-provoking.

Inattentive side (“Squirrel!”):

• I am chronically leaving cupboard doors open, and it’s not on purpose; I’ve just forgotten because I moved on to the next thing. In my richest ADHD moments, I will come back into a room after some distraction and find the dishwasher open, the fridge door ajar, half a pile of laundry (some of it is folded), and an art project I started and didn’t finish…

• If I’m bored by what I’m doing, I zone out. It takes immense energy for me to stay with it. There have been times I’ve been called a “space cadet.”

• I’m timeblind, especially when I get going in an engrossing conversation. I can go for hours without realizing it. 

• This time blindness also shows up in my challenge in figuring out how long a task will actually take, especially if it’s a chore. This leads to procrastination. 

• I’m often distracted by my thoughts. My partner will chuckle at me sometimes because I’ll walk around the house saying something like, “Book, book, book, book” to keep the thought in my mind so I don’t forget what I got off the couch to do. Go get the book!

I am not always this delightfully unhinged, although I have heavier ADHD days than others. Fun fact: these symptoms get intensified around menstruation for women, yay. More on that in a later blog post. Even though this list might just look like a collection of personality quirks, what differentiates them from JUST being quirks is that these patterns are persistent, began in childhood, and create meaningful challenges in my daily life, work, school, and relationships.  

Because I was diagnosed later in life, as a kid and young adult, I had to learn how to navigate my world and figure out ways to scaffold support for a world that was not made for how my brain works. And it felt exhausting. That makes this an all-too-common story for late-diagnosed neurodivergents. Many of us have scars from having to deal with things without the support we desperately needed. For me, that included a lack of awareness of something that wasn’t a character flaw; it was just how my brain was built.​

I deeply adore my brain, even though the way it works can be a challenge some days. Getting diagnosed didn't erase the grief of challenges past and present. There are still moments when I wonder how different life might have been if someone had noticed sooner. But this knowledge also gave me something I never had before: compassion for myself. I love my brain’s spontaneity, its quick wit, its bizarre interests, and its ability to read a room the moment I enter it. I’m a firm believer that the “disorders” we are diagnosed with are also a form of superpower; we just need to take the time to understand and validate ourselves. For instance, instead of getting really upset with myself for getting distracted, I chuckle because this is just what my brain does and a lot of times the thing that distracted me brought me delight. I’ve started appreciating my brain's rich inner world.​

So maybe some of this resonated with you. If you're beginning to wonder whether ADHD has been part of your story all along, know this: there is nothing wrong with wanting answers. Whether you ultimately receive an ADHD diagnosis or discover something else, understanding yourself is never wasted. Self-compassion starts with curiosity. And if you'd like someone to walk alongside you as you make sense of it all, I'd be honored to help.

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