The Wisdom of Grief That Waits - Why Sadness Sometimes Returns Years Later
I sat in my personal therapy session once again, gobsmacked that this deep sadness had returned. I had worked on it, I felt it, I shed a few tears, and here it was again, staring me in the face as if it had just happened yesterday. Maybe it had never left.
Healing isn’t linear, and healing looks different for every single person. There may be seasons of your life that the ache doesn’t show up; you may even forget you experienced it at times. And then there will be other seasons in life that the grief trails you like a lost puppy. It’s there every direction you turn, hungry and whining, nipping at your heels.
So many of us don’t feel our grief right away because it wasn’t safe to feel it at the time of the loss, so it gets buried. We had to get through all of the to-dos; we had to caregive for the other people in our lives. Grief desires space and safety, and it’s deeply okay to not grieve until you’re ready. This is a big part of why I believe grief and healing don’t have a timeline. We suss out our environment, the people around us at the time, and we make a judgment call. It’s not safe yet. It hurts far worse to grieve around people who cannot hold us.
We had to deal with platitudes that were well-meaning but left us feeling worse than before those words were uttered. Phrases that start with, “At least.”
“At least they aren’t suffering anymore.”
“At least they lived a long life.”
Or even worse, the platitudes that use fate/faith as a broken crutch.
“It was God’s plan.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
When I have been on the receiving end of these well-meaning but shitty words, I have no longer felt safe.
We as a society suck at grief. We’re deeply troubled by it and get very uncomfortable if someone around is in the dark night of the soul. That’s when “the Fixer” appears: the part who tries to make the grief disappear, mostly to ease their own discomfort. So the bereaved stuffs it down, deep down where sometimes they can’t even find it until years later.
So what does it mean to have safety and space around our grief? I work with many clients who want to know if their reactions are normal. They are. Your experience is yours alone, as unique as the love tied to your loss.
I think when grief shows up again, it’s a sign that you actually have capacity to hold it. Your body and mind are so deeply wise, and they often wait until there’s space and safety to feel what needs to be felt. This is why grief will sometimes show up years later. It’s a sign your heart is ready to heal, even if it feels like it might swallow you. It won’t.
So if you’re finding your grief is knocking on your door again, welcome it in. It feels safe with you. Let’s listen to its stories. Hold its hand, and give it whatever space it needs. It’s my belief that grief deeply desires to be witnessed, not fixed, but sat with.
This is truly the best medicine we can offer to our friend who is grieving. Just be with them. Hold their hand. Breathe with them. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Keep your words to a minimum. If you do need to speak, ask them about the one who is no longer here with them, or the life change that just happened. Acknowledge the pain that is present.
“What do you miss most about them right now?”
“This is so painful.”
“What’s the part of this that hurts the most right now?”
“I’m right here with you.”
And also, you know your friend, read the situation…
“Wanna go burn something right now?” will also suffice.
Grief is a wild, tender beast.
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